Number Two: This is my Italian confidential secretary. Her name is Alotta. Alotta Fagina.
Austin: Come again?
Alotta: Alotta Fagina.
Austin: Uh, I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it. So now you said your name was Alotta of uh...nevermind.
alotta.wav
Dr. Evil: That makes me angry, and when Dr. Evil gets angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, and when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset...PEOPLE DIE!
angry.wav
Scott: I just think like he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.
Therapist: Now, Scott. We don't want to kill each other in here, we might say that we do sometimes, but we really don't.
Dr. Evil: Actually, the boy's quite astute I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully...he's quite wily like his old man.
astute.wav
Mustafa: Someone help me! I...I'm still alive, only I'm very badly burned!
badly.wav
Austin: This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby!
bagbaby.wav
Basil: Hello, Austin, I'm Basil Exposition with British Intelligence. We have just received word that Dr. Evil is planning a trap for you tonight, at the Electric Psychadelic Pussycat Swinger's Club here in Swinging London!
basil.wav
Austin: There's the bastard!
bastard.wav
Beavis: Check it out, Butt-head, this chick has three boobs! Heh-heh-m-heh! Yeah!
Butthead: Huh-huh...how many butts does she have?
beavis.wav
Austin: Ohhh Behave. Yeah! Yeah baby! Yeah!
behave.wav
Private: Well it appears to be in the shape of a Big Boy.
General: Good God, he's back!
Private: Well in many ways, the Big Boy never left sir. He's always offered the same high quality meals at competitive prices.
General: Shut Up!
bigboy.wav
Dr. Evil: Look what you did to Mr. Bigglesworth!
bigglesworth.wav
Dr. Evil: We hold the world ransom for...One hundred...Billion dollars!
billion.wav
Austin: I won't bite...hard.
bite.wav
Scott: Blow me.
Dr. Evil: Excuse me?
Scott: Show me.
blowme.wav
Dr. Evil: I like to see girls of that...caliber. By caliber, of course, I mean, both the size of their gun barrels and the high quality of their characters. Two meanings...caliber...it's a homonym.
caliber.wav
Basil: A lot's happened since you were frozen. The Cold War's over.
Austin: Well, finally those capitalist pigs will pay their crimes, eh, eh commrades, eh.
Basil: Austin, we won.
Austin: Oh, groovy, smashing, yea capitalism.
capitalism.wav
Austin: Only two things scare me, and one is nuclear war.
Basil: What's the other?
Austin: Excuse me?
Basil: What's the other thing that scares you?
Austin: Carnies.
Basil: What?
Austin: Circus folk. Nomads you know. Smell like cabbage, small hands...
Basil: Oh.
carnies.wav
Dr. Evil: The details of my life are quite inconsequential.
Therapist: Oh no, please please. Let's, let's hear about your childhood.
Group: Yeah! Come on!
Dr. Evil: Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.
Group: Ohhh!
Therapist: You know, we have to stop.
childhood.wav
Dr. Evil: Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes, Mr. Powers? I designed them myself.
clothes.wav
Austin: Au contraire, baby. I think that you can't resist me.
contraire.wav
Scott: I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab!
Dr. Evil: Oh Scott, that hurts Daddy when you say that, honestly.
created.wav
Austin: Danger's my middle name.
danger.wav
Austin: I also like to live dangerously.
dangerously.wav
Austin: Do you really expect them to pay?
Dr. Evil: No Mr. Powers! I expect them to die...
die.wav
Dr. Evil: Begin the unnecessarily slow moving dipping mechanism.
dipping.wav
Cowboy: That is one crazy get-up you got there fella!
Austin: Yeah, thank you.
Cowboy: Are you in the show?
Austin: Uh, no, actually I'm English.
english.wav
Dr. Evil: Silence Number Two!
Number Two: No! I've had enough of you pushing me around!
enough.wav
Dr. Evil: Doctor Evil! I didn't spend six years in Evil Medical School to become Mr. Thank-you-very-much.
evilmed.wav
Scott: I like animals...maybe I'd be a vet.
Dr. Evil: An evil vet?
Scott: No. Maybe, like work in a petting zoo.
Dr. Evil: An evil petting zoo?
Scott: You always do that!
evilvet.wav
Dr. Evil: Let this be a reminder to you all that this organization will not tolerate failure.
failure.wav
Austin: Personally, before I'm on the job, I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a "How's your father?".
father.wav
Frau: Bring in the FEMBOTS!
fembots.wav
Dr. Evil: Well don't look I'm frickin' Frankenstein!
frankenstein.wav
Austin: It's freedom baby, yeah!
freedom.wav
Frau: Remember when we froze your semen? You said if it didn't look like you were coming back, we should try to make you a son so that a part of you could live forever?
Dr. Evil: Oh sure.
freeze.wav
Dr. Evil: It's frickin' freezing in here Mr. Bigglesworth!
Mr. Bigglesworth: Meowww. Meowww.
freezing.wav
Dr. Evil: You just don't get it do you? Ya don't.
getit.wav
Austin: I'm just joking Vanessa, I'm just trying to get a rise out of you, that's all, for shits and giggles!
giggles.wav
Austin: Ohhh groovy, baby!
groovy.wav
Dr. Evil: There's nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster.
hipster.wav
Austin: Let me ask you a question, and be honest. Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny baby, yeah, baby do I?!
horny.wav
Number Two: That also already has happened.
Dr. Evil: Shit. Oh hell, let's do what we always do, hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Yes?
hostage.wav
Dr. Evil: Why must I be surrounded my frickin' idiots!
idiots.wav
Dr. Evil: I'm with it. I'm hip. (performs the Macarena)
imhip.wav
Austin: When you see this jet a rockin' don't come a knockin' baby, YEAH!
jet.wav
Austin: Judo chop!
judochop.wav
Austin: My jumbo jet, smashing, baby!
jumbojet.wav
Dr. Evil: Some of you I know, some of you I'm meeting for the first time.
know.wav
Dr. Evil: Welcome to my underground lair! You're just in time, enjoy the show.
lair.wav
Austin: Viva Las Vegas, Baby, Yeah!
lasvegas.wav
Dr. Evil & Henchman: (Evil Laugh)
laugh.wav
Frau: It's a television commercial. With this cartoon leprechaun, and all of these children are trying to chase him "Hey leprechaun man, leprechaun man, want to catch the Lucky Charms". Oh, and there's always these little tiny bits of marshmallows just stuck right in the cereal, so that when the kids eat them the kids think "Oh this is candy I'm having fun".
leprechaun.wav
Vanessa: Let's lock n' load!
locknload.wav
General: I'm off to London, England
london.wav
Patty O'Brien: There always after me luck charms!
luckycharms.wav
Austin: That's not your Mother, it's a MAN BABY!
man.wav
Austin: That ain't no woman, it's a man-man!
manman.wav
Austin: Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!
margaret.wav
Dr. Evil: I want chicken, I want liver, Meow Mix, Meow Mix please deliver.
meowmix.wav
Dr. Evil: Here's the plan. We get the war head and we hold the world ransom for...One Million Dollars!
million.wav
Austin: Mishaps? But isn't that what being an International Man of Mystery is all about?
mishaps.wav
Austin: So I'd thought I'd work my mojo, right, to counter their mojo, we got cross-mojonations and there heads started exploding, you know.
mojo.wav
Dr. Evil: Doctor Evil! I didn't spend six years in evil medical school to become Mr. Thank-you-very-much.
mrevil.wav
Dr. Evil: What do we have?
Number Two: Sea bass.
Dr. Evil: Right...
Number Two: They are mutated sea bass.
Dr. Evil: Really? Are they ill-tempered?
Number Two: Absolutely.
Dr. Evil: Well, that's a start.
mutated.wav
Austin: Allow myself to introduce...myself.
myself.wav
Austin: Good blimey. Nerd-alert!
nerdalert.wav
Austin: Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later?
nowlater.wav
Austin: Who does Number Two work for?! Who does Number Two work for?!
Cowboy: That's right, buddy! You show that turd who's boss!
number2.wav
Austin: Pardon me for being rude, it was not me, it was my food, it just popped up to say hello, and now it's gone back down below.
pardonme.wav
Austin: How did this get in here? Somebody's playing a prank on me. Honestly, it's not mine.
prank.wav
Scott: Get away from me you lazy-eyed psycho!
pyscho.wav
Austin: I never forget a pussy...cat.
pussycat.wav
Austin: I shagged her.
Vanessa: What?
Austin: I shagged her rotten baby, yeah!
rotten.wav
Austin: Only sailors use condoms, baby!
Vanessa: Not in the 90s, Austin!
Austin: Well, they should, those filthy baggers, they go from port to port.
sailors.wav
Dr. Evil: My son?
Frau: Ja. SCOTT!
scott.wav
Dr. Evil: There really is nothing quite like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking I suggest you try it...
scrotum.wav
Austin: But as long as people are still having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners without protection, while at the same time, experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound!
sexdrugs.wav
Austin: Okay, name: Austin Danger Powers. Sex: Yes please.
sexyes.wav
Austin: Fascinating Vanessa, listen, why don't we go into the back and shag?
shag.wav
Austin: Very shaggadelic.
shaggadelic.wav
Scott: It's no hassle...
Dr. Evil: Shh.
Scott: but...
Dr. Evil: Shh.
Scott: I'm...
Dr. Evil: Shhhh.
Scott: all I'm saying...
Dr. Evil: Shhhh.
Scott: they're gonna get a...
Dr. Evil: Shhhh.
Scott: I...
Dr. Evil: Shhhh.
Scott: I'm just...
Dr. Evil: Shhhh.
Scott: w...
Dr. Evil: Shhhh.
Scott: wou...
Dr. Evil: Knock knock.
Scott: Who's there?
Dr. Evil: Shhhh.
Scott: Look...
Dr. Evil: Let me tell you a story about a little man named shhh. Shhh. Even before you start, that was a pre-emptive shhh. Just know I have a whole bag full of shhh with your name on it.
shh.wav
Austin: Who thows a shoe? Honestly? You fight like a woman!
shoe.wav
Mustafa: (gun shot) You shot me!
Dr. Evil: OK moving on...
Mustafa: You shot me right in the arm! Why did...(gun shot)
Dr. Evil: Right.
shotme.wav
Dr. Evil: What are you plans for this evening?
Scott: I thought I'd stay in, there's a good titty movie on Skinemax
Dr. Evil: And that's how you'd like to live your life, is it?
Scott: Yeah
skinemax.wav
Austin: I think you're shaggadelic baby, you're switched on, you're smashing!
smashing.wav
Blackjack Dealer: Five.
Austin: I'll stay.
stay.wav
Austin: OK, I get it. I have bad teeth.
teeth.wav
Austin: Hey, there you are!
Tourist: Well, Hi! Do I know you?
Austin: No, but that's where you are, you're there! Hey!
thereyouare.wav
Dr. Evil: Right, OK people you have to tell me these things, I've been frozen for thirty years, OK? Throw me a frickin' bone here!
throwbone.wav
Dr. Evil: Scott, my boy, how are you? How was your day?
Scott: Well my friend sweet Jay took me to that video arcade in town, right, and they don't speak English there, so Jay got into a fight, and he's all, "Hey, quit hassling me because I don't speak French or whatever!", and then the guy says something in Paris-talk, and I'm like just "Back off!", and they're all "Get Out!", and we're like "Make me!". It was cool.
today.wav
Dr. Evil: I'm going to place them in an easily escapable situation involving an overly-elaborate and exotic death.
trap.wav
Austin: If that is a woman, it does look like she was beaten with an ugly stick!
uglystick.wav
Vanessa: Hey, isn't that the big dipper?
Austin: Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus!
uranus.wav
Austin: My God Vanessa's got a fabulous body. I bet she shags like a minx. How do I tell then that because of the un-freezing process I have no inner-monologue. I...hope I didn't say that out loud just now.
vanessa.wav
Austin: She's the village bicycle, everyone's had a ride.
villagebike.wav
Austin: Who are these people!
Basil: The shouting is a temporary side-effect of the un-freezing process.
Austin: Yes, I'm have difficulty controlling the volume of my voice!
volume.wav